Accept Your Mate

During our engagement I remember insisting over and over again that Harry was the perfect man, but soon the intimacy of marriage revealed faults and habits in my "perfect" mate that irritated me. I decided married life would be more enjoyable if he would conform to my ideas of how a perfect mate should order his life. It was almost as if an unseen force compelled me to "help" him overcome his deficiencies and become more acceptable to me, my family, and others. This pattern continued for a number of years without success.

A great deal of marital discord arises when one partner sets about trying to change the other, for it is basic to our happiness to feel respected, liked, and accepted as we are. We feel uncomfortable when under pressure to change our habits, personality, or preferences. Especially at home it is imperative that we learn to accept differences, tolerate idiosyncrasies, and respect individuality.

Principles of Genuine Love

Genuine love involves a commitment. Since it would be too demanding to enter a total personal commitment with several people of the opposite sex, we eventually must narrow our choice to one person. Most people do not have the emotional energy to maintain several love relationships concurrently. It is too exhausting.

Immature and inexperienced persons often enter personal commitments that they later find impossible to honor. Moonlight, music, and romance go to their heads, and they make a promise of love that they later find themselves unable to live with. Such people abandon the commitment made, head for the courts, and proceed recklessly toward a new love relationship without ever challenging their personal ingenuity, developing their resources, or testing their coping abilities. Love will work if we work at it, but people today fail to work at giving love a chance, and wise individuals select carefully before investing such a sacred commodity in a lifelong commitment.

Genuine love is unconditional. A love with conditions attached isn't genuine, and only in an atmosphere of unconditional love can we lower our defenses enough for intimacy to develop.

A certain housewife who sensed conditional love from her husband told how his love seemed to be based on whether the house was clean and orderly at all times. She said that she needed to know he loved her whether the house was clean or not in order to keep the house clean! Similarly, a woman may sometimes give sexual love based on conditions to which her husband must measure up. Such a wife promises to gratify her husband's sexual needs provided that he completes tasks beforehand or that he meets certain standards of behavior.

Perfect demonstrations of unconditional love are not consistent with human behavior. Our emotional and psychological weaknesses prevent us from being totally free to give love unconditionally to others. But unconditional love provides an ideal toward which we may strive.

Genuine love attempts to meet the needs of the other. A favorite cartoon of mine shows Charlie Brown in his pajamas on his way to Snoopy's doghouse with a glass of water. The caption reads: "Love is getting someone a glass of water in the middle of the night."
It rarely taps our energies to be loving when our mates are affection ate and considerate. But how difficult it is to be loving under more trying circumstances—when he speaks unkindly, when she refuses to listen, when he is late for meals, when she neglects the mending.

In the face of such problems, I have developed what I call "the test of love." A person is to respond in a loving manner even though the mate has acted thoughtlessly. When we can dedicate ourselves to fulfilling the needs of the other even though our own needs have been thwarted, we are exercising genuine love.

Genuine love enables us to love ourselves. Genuine love of another is premised on a genuine love for oneself. The Bible asks us to love our neighbors as ourselves. The implication is clear: Whatever we would do for our neighbor, we should also do for ourselves. In the marriage relationship this means that we will do for our mates what we do also for ourselves.

Christians often find this concept difficult to grasp, because much of the Christian doctrine revolves around "doing for others. " We have regarded thinking of "self" or feeling worthy as inherently sinful. But loving oneself does not involve pride or a noisy conceit. Instead it is a quiet sense of security blessed by feelings of adequacy. When a person possesses such self-respect, he appreciates his own worth. He is able, in a healthy way, to assess his abilities in a realistic manner and feels assured that he is equal to others. Pride, however, involves an unrealistic appraisal that leads one to feel superior to others.

The thought of appreciating ourselves or feeling worthwhile is often a foreign thought, yet marriage partners can engage in satisfying relationships only in proportion to the respect and belief they hold for themselves.

Genuine love allows the other to be himself. Love is not possessive (1 Corinthians 13:4). Genuine love, then, affirms the uniqueness of the individual by the marriage partners giving their mates a freedom to be themselves. It does not attempt to possess or manipulate others. It means that we will preserve our mate's freedom to think his own thoughts, retain his own feelings, and make his own decisions. It releases others to become their best selves according to how they perceive the picture.

Such a love leaves room for others to have a variety of friends and interests beyond the marriage relationship, for we each need a certain amount of "space" in which to develop our identities and potentialities. By not attempting to become the other's entire life, we free him or her to enjoy the full range of life's wondrous experiences.

Genuine love is permanent. One of the most beautiful characteristics listed in I Corinthians 13:8 is the permanence of genuine love. Love never fails. Yet the divorce courts are jammed with bitter and disillusioned couples, all of whom at one point or another claimed to be in love.

Much of what we call love today begins with ardent passion, but like a beautiful plant, it will wither and die if the parties involved do not understand how to nourish and care for it. Love, even genuine love, is fragile.

It takes self-discipline to be a genuinely loving person. In the first chapter I quoted my favorite definition of marriage: "the total commitment of the total person for a total life." The key word is commitment, which in turn implies permanence.

In our marriage it operates like this. The feelings and circumstances of the moment cannot alter the love that Harry and I have for each other. Our commitment to one another holds us permanently together even though our emotions may fluctuate. At times Harry fails me, and my romantic feelings die. On other occasions I seriously falter in my efforts to be a genuinely loving mate. Sometimes we find ourselves consumed with feelings of anger, resentment, bitterness, and despair. But we have pledged ourselves to one another in an uncompromising decision when we echoed the words: "In sickness and in health ... for richer for poorer ... for better or for worse ... from this day forward .....Our romantic feelings may fail us, but our genuine love holds us together through those troubled times.

The key to putting the principle of genuine love into practice is selflessness. Fulfillment in a total love relationship comes as one matures out of self-centeredness into genuine love. The way to receive love is to give it. Jesus said, "Give, and it shall be given unto you" (Luke 6:38), and the teaching He enunciates applies equally to the area of marriage. If you want a deeper love relationship, begin by giving more love. Instead of waiting for your mate to demonstrate affection for you, take it upon yourself to initiate the first actions. Discover your mate's needs, and begin to fill them now!

Genuine Love

We have emphasized that romance is a needed commodity in images today, but love means far more than just the feelings expressed in romantic affection, as important as they are. Dr. Karl -Menninger, a great Christian psychiatrist, expressed it this way: "We not fall into love; rather we grow into love." Love in marriage matures as a couple applies the principle of love in everyday life. Genuine love, then, goes beyond the feelings of love and becomes a principle that must be put into action. We must not only expect to be treated with love and consideration, but we must also act with love and consideration.


Yet it is very difficult for most of us to consistently express our love y in and day out. Few of us feel like being tender, thoughtful, considerate, and helpful every day of our lives, because our feelings are easily altered by moods, foods eaten, the weather, illness, the reaction our mates toward us, and a host of other variables. Since feelings are stable, those who contend that love is primarily a feeling will make stable lovers. They will proceed through life indulging in what feels good and pursuing "that old feeling" immortalized in song.


Of course feelings constitute a component of love. Love wouldn't very interesting or much fun it we didn't have "that feeling." seed, the first attraction between individuals rest primarily on feels, and a love relationship will hardly ensue unless love feelings surface.


However, in marriage some of the early feelings of young love dwindle. No one can constantly live at an emotionally feverish high. When these first feelings diminish, moments will come when emotional satisfaction in the relationship seems relatively low. Negative slings may poison the atmosphere. At these times we must exercise principle of acting love. With the passing of time and by exercising principles of love, young love can mature into a more genuine love it binds hearts and lives together—counteracting negative feelings.

A Man's Love Is Different

Men are lovers, but their approach to love differs from that of women's. Men are affectionate by nature, and it is a gross misunderstanding to intimate that men resort to affection only when it brings them sexual rewards. Although man's love may not be so directly tied to his emotions as is a woman's, it is still very real. He is just more often practical and less romantic in his demonstrations of love.

After a young man pops the question, he may immediately begin talking to his bride-to-be about their financial future, which he considers as much an evidence of his love as his kisses. A father who rolls on the floor while tickling his daughter into gales of laughter demonstrates a daddy's love for his daughter. A husband shows his love as he juggles the bank account to purchase a dishwasher for the home, a pair of shoes for Bobby, or a new robe for his wife. The man who invests in acreage is planning for the future with the ones he loves. A woman might regard these as necessities, but they show the man's desire to give and share and provide. This, too, is love.

Thus, although few men possess the ability to sweep a woman off her feet, they demonstrate their love in calm and rational lines. For example, a husband brings home paychecks regularly—converting his entire earnings to the needs of the family. A man may feel very little emotion in rising at 6:30 five mornings a week and working around the clock, but his basic reason for persevering is his love for his family. Men endure this routine for a lifetime and often ask for little more than meals and an embrace at the proper time.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, assists her in and out, and takes her arm as they walk, he reveals his protective instincts over her. He wants to shield her from danger or anything that might threaten her, which is another element of male love.

No matter how rough the exterior of a man, tenderness and love still lurk underneath the surface. While I taught in a rural community, a wife told me how her husband, a wheat farmer, would plow around a bird's nest so as not to disturb the nest or eggs. A man is by nature kind, affectionate, loving, and sentimental. He has tender ways and can be deeply thoughtful. And he expresses his love for his family in a multitude of ways.

Whereas love does not make up a man's entire existence, he cannot live without it. Love motivates a man to work, plan, sacrifice, invest, expand, and pursue. It is for love that he gives up his singleness, signs on the dotted line, accepts full financial responsibility for her and all children born to the union, and gives away his most prized possession—freedom.

There is no limit to the love a woman can receive from a man when learns to open the door to his heart, for she can provide the right emotional atmosphere for him to freely expose his feelings and dare to ire his love.

Chapter 1--For Better or for Worse

Ruth Peale, wife of Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, tells of visiting a university classroom. During her lecture, a beautiful, sophisticated, but scornful young woman in the back of the room challenged, "Mrs. Peale, in your remarks you stated that you thought marriage was the greatest career for a woman. In my opinion, marriage is almost finished, and most of us here feel the same way. We don't think it is necessary or even desirable to link yourself sexually to one partner in your early twenties and limit yourself to that one person for the rest of your life. We think it's ridiculous!"

Every eye was riveted on the coed as she continued.' I am sleeping with a fellow that I like. I don't want to marry him, and I don't think he intends to marry me. This is not my first love affair and probably won't be my last. I can't see anything wrong with this. Someday when and if I choose to have a child, I may be forced by society to marry. But until that time I shall not be a part of it. If I ever do choose to marry and the relationship goes bad, I shall not be trapped in it. Mrs. Peale, we are hardly blind. We see what marriage has done to our parents and to others, and we don't like what we see. Do you have a ready answer?"

Each bright face in the room swung around toward Mrs. Peale, who took a deep breath and replied: "Yes, I have an answer, and I'm living it. I consider myself one pf the most fortunate women alive. I am totally married to a man in every sense of the word: physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. We're so close that you couldn't put a knife blade between us. We're not two lonely competing individuals. We are one, and nothing else in life can compare to it. But you'll never experience this. You'll never even come within shouting distance of it if you maintain your present attitudes and code of conduct."

..I don't see why not," the girl countered defensively, but with less conviction. "Why can't a man-woman relationship be just as meaningful outside of marriage as it is in it?"

"Because," Mrs. Peale responded, "it doesn't have the commitment. It doesn't have the permanence. It doesn't have the depth that comes from total sharing, year after year, working together, and knowing you are playing the game for keeps. Do you think we found happiness bb waving a magic wand? No! We fought for it and worked for it. To us marriage wasn't a trap—it is a privilege. And there's quite a difference."

As the class stared silently at Mrs. Peale she concluded: "This country is full of good marriages, but they have to be made to happen. It takes brains and determination, and the job is never finished. When you take the time and effort to make a marriage good, the rewards are just enormous."

The Compleat Marriage

Many couples fall in love, marry, and assume that the job is completed. They tend to feel that everything else will work out automatically. But hardly anything could be further from the truth. A successful marriage does not come spontaneously or by chance. Instead, a happy marriage-the compleat marriage—involves two people working out small difficulties as well as the big ones.

Plato used a ladder to illustrate growth in the marriage relationship. The two upright sides of the ladder stand for the husband and wife, and each rung represents something that draws and holds them together in inseparable companionship. The lowest rung is physical attraction, and the highest rung, pure love for God. Each rung of the ladder depends on the other rungs, and thus all become important in order to maintain the unity of the ladder of a compleat marriage.

Someone has defined marriage as "the total commitment of the total person for a total way of life." Such a definition assumes that a couple will work toward goals that they had in mind when they married.. To marry for convenience, to escape from a bad home situation, or to give a baby a name is not an adequate goal for a successful marriage.

"And they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24) tells, in words as old as the human race, the highest goal in marriage, for marriage is a union of love encompassing all areas of life: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.