Factors Affecting Acceptance

How accepting you are as a person is partly due to temperament. Some people have a great capacity for accepting others. They are calm and easygoing by nature. Aided by their sense of inner security and their high tolerance level, they have real feelings of self-worth. We all like this naturally accepting personality, for we feel comfortable in such a one's presence. We can openly express all our inner feelings without fear of ridicule. We can let our hair down, kick off our shoes, and be our true selves.

Other people are just plain unaccepting and often find the behavior of others annoying. They have rigid and strong notions about what conduct is "right" or "wrong." We feel uneasy around such people because we wonder whether we come up to their "standards." Sadly enough, most often religious persons affect us in this manner.

The level of acceptance is affected also by the state of mind. Fewer things bother us when we feel good. However, if we are tired and overworked, are nursing a headache, or are dissatisfied with the day's accomplishments, insignificant things may bother us. Likewise, we are usually much less accepting when friends are visiting in our home or when we are visiting others. For example, conversation and table manners that we would accept at home suddenly bring reprimands.

Acceptance within family groups is much more difficult to achieve than within our circle of friends. If something about a friend irritates us, we can overlook it or find a new friend, but we cannot cross off Grandpa from our list just because he has grown senile. Aunt Martha will still attend all family functions in spite of her selfish demands and need for constant attention. Acceptance between husband and wife can prove even more difficult if one or the other—or both—do not possess a charitable nature. It is hard enough to tolerate senile Grandpa and selfish Aunt Martha, even on occasion, but husband and wife must interact in an accepting manner on a day-to-day basis.

One of the things that I find most difficult to accept in my husband (I didn't have the intestinal fortitude to ask him what he found most difficult to accept about me) is his total unawareness of the passing of time. He can run to a neighbor's to borrow a tool and be gone so long I could file for divorce on grounds of desertion! He can be late for supper even after just phoning me to say he'll be right home. I have come to realize that time means something different to him than it does to me. In my family of "efficiency experts" we were barely allowed bathroom privileges while traveling, and since birth I have been trained to make use of every minute.

Acceptance has taught me to appreciate Harry's easy-going, relaxed nature, which allows him to enjoy frequent present-moment experiences that I bypass because of my drive to produce. Is my "productive" temperament superior to his easy-going one? Should I force Harry into my mold when his entire personality is geared for another speed? Fortunately, acceptance taught me that different does not mean wrong. I am now free to accept his relaxed manner as an attribute that complements my drive to produce. And fortunately, both of us are not of the same temperament, else we might outdo ourselves competing to produce, or we might be so relaxed that we would accomplish nothing.

We should realize that we cannot feel accepting toward our mates all the time. Some behaviors may always remain unacceptable to some, such as drinking, smoking, gambling, swearing, laziness, dishonesty, or vulgarity. Real people will have real feelings of acceptance and unacceptance toward their spouses during the course of married life.

Furthermore, acceptance does not always mean "liking," but we can view the situation without open hostility. In marriage there are dozens of human differences with which we must learn to live. Whether it is a matter of promptness, church attendance, manner of speech, or personal preference of any kind, through prayer and practice we can learn to raise our tolerance levels and accept basic differences in individuals.