Factors Affecting Acceptance

How accepting you are as a person is partly due to temperament. Some people have a great capacity for accepting others. They are calm and easygoing by nature. Aided by their sense of inner security and their high tolerance level, they have real feelings of self-worth. We all like this naturally accepting personality, for we feel comfortable in such a one's presence. We can openly express all our inner feelings without fear of ridicule. We can let our hair down, kick off our shoes, and be our true selves.

Other people are just plain unaccepting and often find the behavior of others annoying. They have rigid and strong notions about what conduct is "right" or "wrong." We feel uneasy around such people because we wonder whether we come up to their "standards." Sadly enough, most often religious persons affect us in this manner.

The level of acceptance is affected also by the state of mind. Fewer things bother us when we feel good. However, if we are tired and overworked, are nursing a headache, or are dissatisfied with the day's accomplishments, insignificant things may bother us. Likewise, we are usually much less accepting when friends are visiting in our home or when we are visiting others. For example, conversation and table manners that we would accept at home suddenly bring reprimands.

Acceptance within family groups is much more difficult to achieve than within our circle of friends. If something about a friend irritates us, we can overlook it or find a new friend, but we cannot cross off Grandpa from our list just because he has grown senile. Aunt Martha will still attend all family functions in spite of her selfish demands and need for constant attention. Acceptance between husband and wife can prove even more difficult if one or the other—or both—do not possess a charitable nature. It is hard enough to tolerate senile Grandpa and selfish Aunt Martha, even on occasion, but husband and wife must interact in an accepting manner on a day-to-day basis.

One of the things that I find most difficult to accept in my husband (I didn't have the intestinal fortitude to ask him what he found most difficult to accept about me) is his total unawareness of the passing of time. He can run to a neighbor's to borrow a tool and be gone so long I could file for divorce on grounds of desertion! He can be late for supper even after just phoning me to say he'll be right home. I have come to realize that time means something different to him than it does to me. In my family of "efficiency experts" we were barely allowed bathroom privileges while traveling, and since birth I have been trained to make use of every minute.

Acceptance has taught me to appreciate Harry's easy-going, relaxed nature, which allows him to enjoy frequent present-moment experiences that I bypass because of my drive to produce. Is my "productive" temperament superior to his easy-going one? Should I force Harry into my mold when his entire personality is geared for another speed? Fortunately, acceptance taught me that different does not mean wrong. I am now free to accept his relaxed manner as an attribute that complements my drive to produce. And fortunately, both of us are not of the same temperament, else we might outdo ourselves competing to produce, or we might be so relaxed that we would accomplish nothing.

We should realize that we cannot feel accepting toward our mates all the time. Some behaviors may always remain unacceptable to some, such as drinking, smoking, gambling, swearing, laziness, dishonesty, or vulgarity. Real people will have real feelings of acceptance and unacceptance toward their spouses during the course of married life.

Furthermore, acceptance does not always mean "liking," but we can view the situation without open hostility. In marriage there are dozens of human differences with which we must learn to live. Whether it is a matter of promptness, church attendance, manner of speech, or personal preference of any kind, through prayer and practice we can learn to raise our tolerance levels and accept basic differences in individuals.

What Is Acceptance?

What does it mean to accept your mate? It means that you view your mate as a person of worth. It means that you like him as he is and can respect his right to be dissimilar from you. It means that you allow him to possess his own feelings about matters. It means that you accept his attitudes of the moment, no matter how they may differ from yours.

Although it is highly rewarding to accept another person just as he is, it is not easy to do. You will need to ask yourself some frightening questions. Can I accept him when he looks at life's problems differently than I? Can I accept her when she chooses a different method of coping with problems? Can I permit him to have separate likes and dislikes than I? Can I accept her when she feels angry toward me? Can I respect his right to choose his own beliefs and develop his own values?

Acceptance of others doesn't come easy because of the common resistance to permitting our spouses, our children, our parents, or our friends to feel differently about particular issues or problems than we do. Yet this separateness of the individual, this right each person has to use his experience in his own way and to discover his own meanings, is one of the most priceless possibilities in life.

Does this mean that one should pretend that his mate is perfect? Of course not! Acceptance means that you recognize the imperfections but that you are not going to concern yourself with these areas. Instead, you determine to accept your mate as he or she is—faults and all.

Some people feel that they have been practicing acceptance when all they have done is tolerated their mate. They have mustered the strength to restrain criticism but have continued their doleful looks, grimaces, glances, and long painful silences. And each of us can usually sense when we are merely being tolerated rather than being fully accepted. If you can begin to control critical remarks where before you freely stated them, you may well have taken the first step toward full acceptance of others.

An important prerequisite to accepting others at face value is one's ability to accept himself just as he is. Self-acceptance enables us to become more aware of others' needs and to feel less of an urge to rush in and fix up other people. We will become more and more content to be ourselves and to let others be themselves.

Accept Your Mate

During our engagement I remember insisting over and over again that Harry was the perfect man, but soon the intimacy of marriage revealed faults and habits in my "perfect" mate that irritated me. I decided married life would be more enjoyable if he would conform to my ideas of how a perfect mate should order his life. It was almost as if an unseen force compelled me to "help" him overcome his deficiencies and become more acceptable to me, my family, and others. This pattern continued for a number of years without success.

A great deal of marital discord arises when one partner sets about trying to change the other, for it is basic to our happiness to feel respected, liked, and accepted as we are. We feel uncomfortable when under pressure to change our habits, personality, or preferences. Especially at home it is imperative that we learn to accept differences, tolerate idiosyncrasies, and respect individuality.