Common Forms of Unacceptance

Whether you resort to open criticism and belittling remarks or stay with subtle suggestions and tiny hints, it all boils down to unacceptance. Words need not be spoken to convey the message. A disapproving glance, a withering look, or a sigh—all convey an unaccepting attitude.

One of the most common forms of unacceptance is nagging. Wise King Solomon said, "A constant dripping on a rainy day and a cranky Roman are much alike! You can no more stop her complaints than you can stop the wind or hold onto anything with oil-slick hands" (Proverbs '7:15, TLB *).

A famous newspaper columnist once wrote: "Many a man loses his grip and gives up the fight to succeed because his wife has wet-blanketed his every hope and aspiration and has taken the heart out of him by her never-ending criticisms and her ceaseless demands to know why he can't make as much money as some other man of her acquaintance or why he can't write a best-seller or get elected to some big office."

A typical nag list from the feminine gender might read as follows: He never fixes anything around the house, never takes me anyplace, won't get up in the morning, watches television too late, gets up too early, won't go to church, spends money foolishly, lives beyond our means, won't talk with me, doesn't understand my feelings, pays no attention to the kids, forgets birthdays and anniversaries, isn't home enough, never says a decent word unless he wants sex, is stingy with me, is too quiet, leaves the toilet seat up, never picks up his clothes, uses bad grammar, has terrible table manners, drives like a maniac, tells the same jokes over and over, brags too much, swears in front of the children, refuses to exercise, eats too much, spends too much time golfing, doesn't pay bills on time, is too domineering or passive or indecisive.

Nagging is by no means entirely a feminine fault. There are many breeds of men on intelligent levels who are articulate in the art of nagging, although men are more likely to hide their actions under a veil of superior male know-how. Male complaints usually center on sloppy housekeeping, crying spells, dependency on her parents, jealousy, period of silent treatment, spending habits, compulsive lateness, meals never on time, withholding sex as a form of punishment, perfectionist tendencies, negativism toward self, and moodiness.

More often than not, however, a man will criticize rather than nag, but the more a man criticizes, the further away he drives his wife from himself. A wife who is moody, compulsively tardy, or who spends money foolishly rarely responds to criticism. We all grow to resent those who criticize us.
One man who realized that his criticism of his wife's slovenly housekeeping was getting him nowhere decided that he would do her work in addition to his office job. He was not happy over doing double duty, but he practiced this plan for several months until his wife overcame her emotional block that resulted from her own mother, who was a meticulous housekeeper. Whenever she slips back into old habits, he takes over again.

*The Living Bible, Paraphrased (Wheaton: Tyndale House, 1971). Used by permission.

Factors Affecting Acceptance

How accepting you are as a person is partly due to temperament. Some people have a great capacity for accepting others. They are calm and easygoing by nature. Aided by their sense of inner security and their high tolerance level, they have real feelings of self-worth. We all like this naturally accepting personality, for we feel comfortable in such a one's presence. We can openly express all our inner feelings without fear of ridicule. We can let our hair down, kick off our shoes, and be our true selves.

Other people are just plain unaccepting and often find the behavior of others annoying. They have rigid and strong notions about what conduct is "right" or "wrong." We feel uneasy around such people because we wonder whether we come up to their "standards." Sadly enough, most often religious persons affect us in this manner.

The level of acceptance is affected also by the state of mind. Fewer things bother us when we feel good. However, if we are tired and overworked, are nursing a headache, or are dissatisfied with the day's accomplishments, insignificant things may bother us. Likewise, we are usually much less accepting when friends are visiting in our home or when we are visiting others. For example, conversation and table manners that we would accept at home suddenly bring reprimands.

Acceptance within family groups is much more difficult to achieve than within our circle of friends. If something about a friend irritates us, we can overlook it or find a new friend, but we cannot cross off Grandpa from our list just because he has grown senile. Aunt Martha will still attend all family functions in spite of her selfish demands and need for constant attention. Acceptance between husband and wife can prove even more difficult if one or the other—or both—do not possess a charitable nature. It is hard enough to tolerate senile Grandpa and selfish Aunt Martha, even on occasion, but husband and wife must interact in an accepting manner on a day-to-day basis.

One of the things that I find most difficult to accept in my husband (I didn't have the intestinal fortitude to ask him what he found most difficult to accept about me) is his total unawareness of the passing of time. He can run to a neighbor's to borrow a tool and be gone so long I could file for divorce on grounds of desertion! He can be late for supper even after just phoning me to say he'll be right home. I have come to realize that time means something different to him than it does to me. In my family of "efficiency experts" we were barely allowed bathroom privileges while traveling, and since birth I have been trained to make use of every minute.

Acceptance has taught me to appreciate Harry's easy-going, relaxed nature, which allows him to enjoy frequent present-moment experiences that I bypass because of my drive to produce. Is my "productive" temperament superior to his easy-going one? Should I force Harry into my mold when his entire personality is geared for another speed? Fortunately, acceptance taught me that different does not mean wrong. I am now free to accept his relaxed manner as an attribute that complements my drive to produce. And fortunately, both of us are not of the same temperament, else we might outdo ourselves competing to produce, or we might be so relaxed that we would accomplish nothing.

We should realize that we cannot feel accepting toward our mates all the time. Some behaviors may always remain unacceptable to some, such as drinking, smoking, gambling, swearing, laziness, dishonesty, or vulgarity. Real people will have real feelings of acceptance and unacceptance toward their spouses during the course of married life.

Furthermore, acceptance does not always mean "liking," but we can view the situation without open hostility. In marriage there are dozens of human differences with which we must learn to live. Whether it is a matter of promptness, church attendance, manner of speech, or personal preference of any kind, through prayer and practice we can learn to raise our tolerance levels and accept basic differences in individuals.

What Is Acceptance?

What does it mean to accept your mate? It means that you view your mate as a person of worth. It means that you like him as he is and can respect his right to be dissimilar from you. It means that you allow him to possess his own feelings about matters. It means that you accept his attitudes of the moment, no matter how they may differ from yours.

Although it is highly rewarding to accept another person just as he is, it is not easy to do. You will need to ask yourself some frightening questions. Can I accept him when he looks at life's problems differently than I? Can I accept her when she chooses a different method of coping with problems? Can I permit him to have separate likes and dislikes than I? Can I accept her when she feels angry toward me? Can I respect his right to choose his own beliefs and develop his own values?

Acceptance of others doesn't come easy because of the common resistance to permitting our spouses, our children, our parents, or our friends to feel differently about particular issues or problems than we do. Yet this separateness of the individual, this right each person has to use his experience in his own way and to discover his own meanings, is one of the most priceless possibilities in life.

Does this mean that one should pretend that his mate is perfect? Of course not! Acceptance means that you recognize the imperfections but that you are not going to concern yourself with these areas. Instead, you determine to accept your mate as he or she is—faults and all.

Some people feel that they have been practicing acceptance when all they have done is tolerated their mate. They have mustered the strength to restrain criticism but have continued their doleful looks, grimaces, glances, and long painful silences. And each of us can usually sense when we are merely being tolerated rather than being fully accepted. If you can begin to control critical remarks where before you freely stated them, you may well have taken the first step toward full acceptance of others.

An important prerequisite to accepting others at face value is one's ability to accept himself just as he is. Self-acceptance enables us to become more aware of others' needs and to feel less of an urge to rush in and fix up other people. We will become more and more content to be ourselves and to let others be themselves.

Accept Your Mate

During our engagement I remember insisting over and over again that Harry was the perfect man, but soon the intimacy of marriage revealed faults and habits in my "perfect" mate that irritated me. I decided married life would be more enjoyable if he would conform to my ideas of how a perfect mate should order his life. It was almost as if an unseen force compelled me to "help" him overcome his deficiencies and become more acceptable to me, my family, and others. This pattern continued for a number of years without success.

A great deal of marital discord arises when one partner sets about trying to change the other, for it is basic to our happiness to feel respected, liked, and accepted as we are. We feel uncomfortable when under pressure to change our habits, personality, or preferences. Especially at home it is imperative that we learn to accept differences, tolerate idiosyncrasies, and respect individuality.

Principles of Genuine Love

Genuine love involves a commitment. Since it would be too demanding to enter a total personal commitment with several people of the opposite sex, we eventually must narrow our choice to one person. Most people do not have the emotional energy to maintain several love relationships concurrently. It is too exhausting.

Immature and inexperienced persons often enter personal commitments that they later find impossible to honor. Moonlight, music, and romance go to their heads, and they make a promise of love that they later find themselves unable to live with. Such people abandon the commitment made, head for the courts, and proceed recklessly toward a new love relationship without ever challenging their personal ingenuity, developing their resources, or testing their coping abilities. Love will work if we work at it, but people today fail to work at giving love a chance, and wise individuals select carefully before investing such a sacred commodity in a lifelong commitment.

Genuine love is unconditional. A love with conditions attached isn't genuine, and only in an atmosphere of unconditional love can we lower our defenses enough for intimacy to develop.

A certain housewife who sensed conditional love from her husband told how his love seemed to be based on whether the house was clean and orderly at all times. She said that she needed to know he loved her whether the house was clean or not in order to keep the house clean! Similarly, a woman may sometimes give sexual love based on conditions to which her husband must measure up. Such a wife promises to gratify her husband's sexual needs provided that he completes tasks beforehand or that he meets certain standards of behavior.

Perfect demonstrations of unconditional love are not consistent with human behavior. Our emotional and psychological weaknesses prevent us from being totally free to give love unconditionally to others. But unconditional love provides an ideal toward which we may strive.

Genuine love attempts to meet the needs of the other. A favorite cartoon of mine shows Charlie Brown in his pajamas on his way to Snoopy's doghouse with a glass of water. The caption reads: "Love is getting someone a glass of water in the middle of the night."
It rarely taps our energies to be loving when our mates are affection ate and considerate. But how difficult it is to be loving under more trying circumstances—when he speaks unkindly, when she refuses to listen, when he is late for meals, when she neglects the mending.

In the face of such problems, I have developed what I call "the test of love." A person is to respond in a loving manner even though the mate has acted thoughtlessly. When we can dedicate ourselves to fulfilling the needs of the other even though our own needs have been thwarted, we are exercising genuine love.

Genuine love enables us to love ourselves. Genuine love of another is premised on a genuine love for oneself. The Bible asks us to love our neighbors as ourselves. The implication is clear: Whatever we would do for our neighbor, we should also do for ourselves. In the marriage relationship this means that we will do for our mates what we do also for ourselves.

Christians often find this concept difficult to grasp, because much of the Christian doctrine revolves around "doing for others. " We have regarded thinking of "self" or feeling worthy as inherently sinful. But loving oneself does not involve pride or a noisy conceit. Instead it is a quiet sense of security blessed by feelings of adequacy. When a person possesses such self-respect, he appreciates his own worth. He is able, in a healthy way, to assess his abilities in a realistic manner and feels assured that he is equal to others. Pride, however, involves an unrealistic appraisal that leads one to feel superior to others.

The thought of appreciating ourselves or feeling worthwhile is often a foreign thought, yet marriage partners can engage in satisfying relationships only in proportion to the respect and belief they hold for themselves.

Genuine love allows the other to be himself. Love is not possessive (1 Corinthians 13:4). Genuine love, then, affirms the uniqueness of the individual by the marriage partners giving their mates a freedom to be themselves. It does not attempt to possess or manipulate others. It means that we will preserve our mate's freedom to think his own thoughts, retain his own feelings, and make his own decisions. It releases others to become their best selves according to how they perceive the picture.

Such a love leaves room for others to have a variety of friends and interests beyond the marriage relationship, for we each need a certain amount of "space" in which to develop our identities and potentialities. By not attempting to become the other's entire life, we free him or her to enjoy the full range of life's wondrous experiences.

Genuine love is permanent. One of the most beautiful characteristics listed in I Corinthians 13:8 is the permanence of genuine love. Love never fails. Yet the divorce courts are jammed with bitter and disillusioned couples, all of whom at one point or another claimed to be in love.

Much of what we call love today begins with ardent passion, but like a beautiful plant, it will wither and die if the parties involved do not understand how to nourish and care for it. Love, even genuine love, is fragile.

It takes self-discipline to be a genuinely loving person. In the first chapter I quoted my favorite definition of marriage: "the total commitment of the total person for a total life." The key word is commitment, which in turn implies permanence.

In our marriage it operates like this. The feelings and circumstances of the moment cannot alter the love that Harry and I have for each other. Our commitment to one another holds us permanently together even though our emotions may fluctuate. At times Harry fails me, and my romantic feelings die. On other occasions I seriously falter in my efforts to be a genuinely loving mate. Sometimes we find ourselves consumed with feelings of anger, resentment, bitterness, and despair. But we have pledged ourselves to one another in an uncompromising decision when we echoed the words: "In sickness and in health ... for richer for poorer ... for better or for worse ... from this day forward .....Our romantic feelings may fail us, but our genuine love holds us together through those troubled times.

The key to putting the principle of genuine love into practice is selflessness. Fulfillment in a total love relationship comes as one matures out of self-centeredness into genuine love. The way to receive love is to give it. Jesus said, "Give, and it shall be given unto you" (Luke 6:38), and the teaching He enunciates applies equally to the area of marriage. If you want a deeper love relationship, begin by giving more love. Instead of waiting for your mate to demonstrate affection for you, take it upon yourself to initiate the first actions. Discover your mate's needs, and begin to fill them now!

Genuine Love

We have emphasized that romance is a needed commodity in images today, but love means far more than just the feelings expressed in romantic affection, as important as they are. Dr. Karl -Menninger, a great Christian psychiatrist, expressed it this way: "We not fall into love; rather we grow into love." Love in marriage matures as a couple applies the principle of love in everyday life. Genuine love, then, goes beyond the feelings of love and becomes a principle that must be put into action. We must not only expect to be treated with love and consideration, but we must also act with love and consideration.


Yet it is very difficult for most of us to consistently express our love y in and day out. Few of us feel like being tender, thoughtful, considerate, and helpful every day of our lives, because our feelings are easily altered by moods, foods eaten, the weather, illness, the reaction our mates toward us, and a host of other variables. Since feelings are stable, those who contend that love is primarily a feeling will make stable lovers. They will proceed through life indulging in what feels good and pursuing "that old feeling" immortalized in song.


Of course feelings constitute a component of love. Love wouldn't very interesting or much fun it we didn't have "that feeling." seed, the first attraction between individuals rest primarily on feels, and a love relationship will hardly ensue unless love feelings surface.


However, in marriage some of the early feelings of young love dwindle. No one can constantly live at an emotionally feverish high. When these first feelings diminish, moments will come when emotional satisfaction in the relationship seems relatively low. Negative slings may poison the atmosphere. At these times we must exercise principle of acting love. With the passing of time and by exercising principles of love, young love can mature into a more genuine love it binds hearts and lives together—counteracting negative feelings.

A Man's Love Is Different

Men are lovers, but their approach to love differs from that of women's. Men are affectionate by nature, and it is a gross misunderstanding to intimate that men resort to affection only when it brings them sexual rewards. Although man's love may not be so directly tied to his emotions as is a woman's, it is still very real. He is just more often practical and less romantic in his demonstrations of love.

After a young man pops the question, he may immediately begin talking to his bride-to-be about their financial future, which he considers as much an evidence of his love as his kisses. A father who rolls on the floor while tickling his daughter into gales of laughter demonstrates a daddy's love for his daughter. A husband shows his love as he juggles the bank account to purchase a dishwasher for the home, a pair of shoes for Bobby, or a new robe for his wife. The man who invests in acreage is planning for the future with the ones he loves. A woman might regard these as necessities, but they show the man's desire to give and share and provide. This, too, is love.

Thus, although few men possess the ability to sweep a woman off her feet, they demonstrate their love in calm and rational lines. For example, a husband brings home paychecks regularly—converting his entire earnings to the needs of the family. A man may feel very little emotion in rising at 6:30 five mornings a week and working around the clock, but his basic reason for persevering is his love for his family. Men endure this routine for a lifetime and often ask for little more than meals and an embrace at the proper time.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, assists her in and out, and takes her arm as they walk, he reveals his protective instincts over her. He wants to shield her from danger or anything that might threaten her, which is another element of male love.

No matter how rough the exterior of a man, tenderness and love still lurk underneath the surface. While I taught in a rural community, a wife told me how her husband, a wheat farmer, would plow around a bird's nest so as not to disturb the nest or eggs. A man is by nature kind, affectionate, loving, and sentimental. He has tender ways and can be deeply thoughtful. And he expresses his love for his family in a multitude of ways.

Whereas love does not make up a man's entire existence, he cannot live without it. Love motivates a man to work, plan, sacrifice, invest, expand, and pursue. It is for love that he gives up his singleness, signs on the dotted line, accepts full financial responsibility for her and all children born to the union, and gives away his most prized possession—freedom.

There is no limit to the love a woman can receive from a man when learns to open the door to his heart, for she can provide the right emotional atmosphere for him to freely expose his feelings and dare to ire his love.

A Woman's Whole Existence

Love is necessary for all human survival, and it seems that females have a great capacity for love—both to give and to receive it; an example, is a woman's great capacity to love surfaces when she picks up needle and thread to mend the tear in a shirt. When she prepares a meal, her love mingles with the food. When she rises for the two o'clock feeding, she does so with love. When she dresses the baby, love is the crowning drive. When she frosts a birthday cake, love shines through. When she feeds a stray kitten at the backdoor, she has tapped her love resource. When she gazes romantically into the glow of a warm fireplace, it symbolizes her love.

A woman's capacity to love can draw the very best from a man—so inspiring him that he may lay aside a life of crime. Her love can spark lope and renewed trust in a man—even making him feel wanted', worthwhile, important, and almost great; the wave of her hand as she leaves in the morning and her warm greetings when she arrives home are fight evidence her love. When his nerves are shattered and signs of exhaustion surface, her love can comfort him. When discouragement crushes him and his hopes and dreams have crumbled, she can help him 'wild new ones.

The world needs the gentle, loving, affectionate touch of a woman, and the love within her merely awaits the right man to tap its fountain of warmth and affection. But women also have a great capacity for love. Not only are they capable of sharing vast amounts of affection, but they also have a large capacity to absorb love in return. As Lord Byron put it in Don Juan: " Man's love is of man's life a thing apart, 'tis a woman's whole existence" (I, 194). And the key to her own storehouse of love lies within the hands of the man who offers to her marital happiness and emotional security by returning that deep affection
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Often before marriage; when a young man woos a young woman, he persists night and day with loving words and tender deeds. But once he has won her as his bride, he often fails to recognize her intense need to feel loved on a day-to-day basis for the rest of her life.

Because of her capacity for affection, daily expressions of romantic love are vital to a woman's existence. It is the key to her self-worth, her satisfaction with married life, and her sexual responsiveness. If a man feels trapped in a bored, tired marriage, he might look to himself for part of the answer. By consistently and thoughtfully expressing romantic love, many men could melt even the most frigid wife.

One bewildered husband complained of not being able to understand his wife. "I have given her everything she wants and needs. We have a custom-built home in the best section of town, microwave oven, color TV, and the whole bit. I'm a faithful husband who doesn't drink or beat the kids. But she says she's miserable, and I can't figure out why!" This man didn't realize that his wife would trade the custom-built house and all its conveniences for a few affectionate words from him. Microwave ovens and color televisions do not make a woman feel cherished, but being somebody's sweetheart does.

Many men are nearly totally unaware of a woman's need for romantic love, because for centuries society has focused on women meeting the sexual needs of their husbands. It might even be that some men would settle for a business arrangement of sorts in marriage as long as it included meals, housekeeping, hostessing, and sexual privileges as the occasion called for them. Romance might be an added benefit, but certainly not a requirement.

Not so with a woman! Such a relationship would drive her wild with frustration. She must have something more meaningful. She yearns to be someone special to her husband—to be cherished, respected, appreciated, and loved. Only recently has it surfaced that a woman's needs for emotional fulfillment is every bit as pressing as is the male's seed for sexual release. It is as unjustifiable for a man to ignore his wife's need for romantic love as it is for her to deny him his sexual yes.

This explains why a homemaker spends so much time thinking about her husband during the day, why an anniversary is more important to her than it is to him, and why she feels so frustrated when her husband forgets such courtesies. It also explains why a woman constantly "reaches" for her husband when at the end of the day he gets home and settles comfortably behind the newspaper or in front of the television.

Emotional security is the ultimate goal in a woman's life. Therefore, many a woman continually seeks reassurance from her husband by asking him to do something for her that she could easily do for herself. His willingness serves as a measure of his love and regard.

Sometimes a woman expects her husband to do what she wants done without being asked, because she sees this as an evidence of even a greater degree of love for her. Consequently, she may not always tell him what she really wants done. And if he fails to do what she desires, she becomes indignant.

This female phenomenon often shows up in our home. I am very capable and self-sufficient, but I will often draw the line at such a small task as filling the gas tank in the car. It has nothing to do with male-female role. Instead it is linked to my need for emotional security. If Harry assumes this responsibility, he has reassured me of my place in his affections.

At times this can go even one step further. Sometimes a wife may deny that she wants what she actually does want. If her husband takes her at her word, she feels disturbed. She rationalizes that she is sc important to her husband that he should understand and meet her desires, regardless. For example, misunderstandings often occur in the bedroom as a result of such female behavior. He makes sexual advances, and she withdraws. In an effort to be considerate of her wishes, be turns over and tries to sleep. At this point, she might cry or nurse hurl and angry feelings. Why? She assumes that she should be so irresistibly attractive that her husband will persist in his efforts despite all the obstacles she puts in his way. If he doesn't insist, she concludes that he doesn't love her enough, and her emotional security becomes threatened.
Such game-playing causes tremendous confusion. Women should learn how to verbalize their needs in an open and honest way. And men must recognize the enormous need on the part of women for security.

Some men feel, "If I told my wife every day that I love her, it wouldn't mean anything anymore." However, loving words spoken sincerely to a wife will always mean something special. If she responds with enthusiasm, you will know instantly that you hit your mark. But some women do not say much or give any visible indication that they heard or understood the words. This doesn't mean the loving expressions weren't needed, however. Some women have been conditioned to hold in their feelings and only seldom respond with an outward display of affection. But such messages will work in her heart. Give her time.

Perhaps your wife knows very well that you appreciate and care for her, but she still needs to hear those words of endearment. I saved one letter from the dozens Harry wrote me during our engagement when miles separated us. Over and over again he wrote, "I love you, I love you, I love you." The words appeared on the front of the letter, the back, and the envelope. I have never tired of reading those words.

One caution .for wives: Some women expect too much attention from their husbands. The mass media—novels, movies, magazines, and television soap operas—have often portrayed a distorted picture of the harsh realities involved in marriage. If the wife compares her husband to the professionally groomed hero on the screen, the husband may most likely fall short. Feelings of frustration, unhappiness, and bitterness can then result. Some women tend to live in a dream world and imagine that one can live on love alone. Although romance is sweet and good, a cake made from nothing but sugar would soon dissolve.

Love Your Mate

From the crib to the grave we all reach out for someone to love us and for someone we can love. Indeed, love is necessary for survival. Without it we lose the will to live; our mental and physical vitality lessens; resistance lowers; and fatal illnesses can result. When we experience love, we glow with a radiance that affects us physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually.

For the lack of love thousands commit suicide each year. Another multitude flock to the divorce courts to free themselves so that they can begin their search for love again. Mental hospitals hold many who, for the want of human affection, have slipped beyond the reach of sanity. Battered and neglected children suffer marked signs of neurosis or psychosis. Research has shown that infants who lack a close, affectionate relationship with their mothers not only reveal signs of emotional disturbances but are physically dwarfed as well. Within the homes for senior citizens sit thousands of aged fathers and mothers—unnoticed, unloved, and dying a tear at a time for want of affection.

Dr. Smiley Blanton, in his book, Love or Perish, says, "For more than forty years I have sat in my office and listened while people of all ages and classes told me of their hopes and fears.... As I look back over the long, full years, one truth emerges clearly in my mind—the universal need for love.... They cannot survive without love: they must have it or they will perish."

When love fails, marriages fall into ruins and impossible frustrations deluge those involved and those around them. Such emotional pressure results in juvenile delinquency, adult crime, alcoholism, and various forms of drug addiction. Finally, the attempt to destroy oneself may end this ruinous cycle. As Dante observed, "It is love that spins the universe, and when we fail to use love properly, all of life suffers."

The truth is, we all crave love in huge quantities, and sometimes it seems that we can never get enough. Love is, in fact, the single most important force contributing to our total well-being. Impelled by its motivating power, we can forge ahead through life's bitterest moments and withstand insults and cruelty.

We must be realistic about such wishes, however, for it is unlikely that we will ever be loved as completely as we might wish to be. .-'anyone expecting unqualified love all the time expects more than is humanly possible from another person. Furthermore, it is only realistic to recognize that—right or wrong—society demands a certain standard of performance before it deems us lovable or even acceptable.

Something Worse

Something Worse

Today people tend to accept divorce as socially acceptable. The latest statistics reveal that 38 percent of all first marriages end in divorce, and the church is not immune from such statistics. Divorce in Los Angeles County has hit the 50 percent mark. Affluent Marin County in California leads the nation with a whopping 70 percent of all marriages ending in divorce. Statistics also tell us that a second marriage is almost twice as likely to fail as a first marriage.

Several factors contribute to the increased divorce rate in recent years. Easy do-it-yourself divorces constitute one reason. An ad from one local paper reads: "Divorce, only $70. It costs nothing to dial our toll-free number."

Another contributing factor is a decline in family life. A few years ago the home formed the mainstream of activity, but now it serves more as a launching pad, where family members stop in briefly to refuel l before moving on to other areas.

Early marriages and a lack of preparation and training for marriage can also contribute to the increasing divorce rate. Marriage seems so natural that we usually assume one can succeed as a marriage partner without special education. The fact is people are not born with the knowledge and understanding necessary to work out the complexities of marriage.

A decline in positive Christian living has also influenced the divorce rate. Many people try to live as if there are no principles or truths to follow. Doubts, frustrations, and despair saturate their minds, and they turn to kinky substitutes in a vain attempt to find meaning in life. Drugs, sex, the occult, form much of the restless activity that they pursue in a frantic effort to keep one step ahead of emptiness and loneliness.

In most cases divorce solves little and evades much. It leaves in its path heartache, loneliness, and a feeling of personal failure. If it is a cure for a sick marriage, then the cure often turns out to be worse than the sickness.

Block the idea of divorce from your mind, and never use it as a threat against your partner. It may be the last thing you really want, but your pride may not allow you to back down from words spoken in haste. One eminent marriage counselor notes that most divorces are not only unnecessary but also undesirable. In most cases both husband and wife are worse off after terminating their relationship than before. Those contemplating divorce fail to take into account the serious readjustments it necessitates. Since many divorcees find such read-justment depressing, their rates of insanity, suicide, and death are two to three times higher than those for married persons of the same ages.

Something Better

However, the man and woman who enter marriage with the idea of making it a "total commitment of the total person for a total way of life" can look forward to a compleat marriage. Barring the insane, neurotic, or alcoholic person, who should avoid marriage anyway, almost anyone with a certain amount of common sense, maturity, and effort can attain a reasonably successful marriage.

A friend said not long ago, "I'm in my mid-thirties and have met only one happily married couple in my life. " She didn't need logical arguments to convince her of happy marriages. She needed living examples in vivid color—flesh-and-blood people who live in harmony and radiate marital happiness and optimism.

Perhaps you are saying, "What on earth can we do about this? We are just one couple in a fast-moving impersonal world." But you are not so insignificant as to have no influence. You can make a unique and important contribution within your circle of friends. The important question here is not whether the institution of marriage will survive, but will your marriage survive? When your marriage is happy, you will have a direct bearing on friends as well as on the eventual marriage of your own children. Someone has estimated that each married couple directly influences twelve other couples a year. If this ratio could be maintained, the world could be changed!

Your marriage can be more than just an influence. It can also inspire others. Since happy marriages seem to be on the endangered species list, you'd probably create a new sensation in your neighborhood.

My husband, Harry, was attending an in-service training conference at his hospital facility and found himself teamed with an attractive female divorcee. As part of the conference, the pairs were to interview each other and report to the group interesting facts. Her report centered on how she envied Harry's close family life.

As one Christian has written, "One well-ordered, well-disciplined family tells more in behalf of Christianity than all the sermons that can be preached."

Troubled Marriages Need Professional Help

Troubled Marriages Need Professional Help

Many Christian couples feel reluctant to seek counsel or even to admit that their marriage has reached the point of needing help, because they assume that marital problems are incompatible with a vital spiritual life. They feel that they have failed spiritually if they must admit to trouble within the home. But if a couple gets immediate help for a troubled marriage, they will avoid much unnecessary pain.

Sixty percent of those who encounter marital tensions turn first to the pastor for help, yet somehow they often hold back from baring their most intimate problems. They may fear that experiences shared in strictest confidence may leak to other church members or end up as illustrations in sermons. And far too often well-meaning but poorly trained pastors revert to cliches such as "pray about it."

Thus, on the one hand the churches must be more responsible to the needs of their members by recognizing the existence of family problems and by presenting continuing educational programs for all age groups. Church leaders need more awareness of the tensions arising within marriages and should educate themselves so that they can offer definite and intelligent help.

On the other hand those seeking answers must remember that most problems have no instant cures—that even the best clergyman or counselor can basically only offer support and compassion. In cases where a mate refuses to see a counselor or get help, the other partner should seek help alone. Surely the Lord smiles on those who search for new ways to improve family relationships, because the Christian life involves continual growth and improvement in all aspects.

Most couples need to develop more adequate interpersonal relationships and communication skills, but Christ's influence in the life is the important key to a compleat marriage. Without a Christ-centered relationship, a couple can find periods of contentment and morsels of happiness, but the union remains just human, and therefore, mediocre.

Our needs as human beings can never be fully realized until we are rightly related not only to ourselves and to our fellowmen but also to God.

Some people seem concerned about satisfying only the animal instincts of food, shelter, clothing, and sex, but becoming restless, bored, or despondent; they fail to function as God designed them to. Innate within each one of us is the need for a personal relationship with God. Spirituality is the missing ingredient in our age of permissiveness. As a couple commits themselves and their home to a higher power, they become bound together as partners in a stable, successful marriage relationship ship.

A State of Torment

A Catholic archbishop visited a mining district one day to confirm a class about to join the church. During the service the archbishop asked a nervous little girl what matrimony was; "Oh," she said, "it is a state of terrible torment that those who enter are compelled to undergo for a 'tier in order to fit them for a better world."

The local priest interrupted the little girl: "No! No! You're think-of purgatory. "
"Let her alone," said the old archbishop, smiling. "What do you or I know about it?"

Whether marriage becomes a blessing or a torment depends on the r involved.

A twenty-nine-year-old woman sat across from me and told me that 'I could not drastically change her husband within the next few weeks, would have to divorce him. (I was supposed to accomplish this in spite of his refusal to accept counseling.) I listed for her the alternatives; which are the same for all unhappily married partners. Whether the problems are trivial or severe, each spouse has only three choices.

The first alternative is divorce—the great American cop-out. Many parties today determine that they have real provocation for divorce, and m. obtain one—deciding to be more careful the next time. Far too many counselors, even so-called "Christian" counselors, advise divorce. Too often, however, divorce is an escape mechanism and is thus most immature of the three choices.

The second alternative is to endure a standoff relationship—tough it out, grin and bear it, wear a mask. All this goes on without working to improve the unfortunate situation. The world will never know how terrible things are at home unless one of the spouses squeals; so the two playact in front of others and silently endure a rotten relationship. Millions of married couples have chosen this alternative because it is easier than having to face certain personal deficiencies and then doing something about them—another immature decision.

The third alternative involves facing personal problems and making an intelligent choice to build a happy marriage out of the existing one. Even those with "incompatible personalities" can learn to work out personal deficiencies. The word incompatible is too frequently used by people who are too lazy to work out their own hang-ups, so they run away by divorcing and remarrying. Numerous studies have shown that when couples with neurotic marriage relationships divorce—no matter how good their intentions are—they nearly always remarry into the very same-type of neurotic relationship.

One psychiatrist in reporting his track record observed that in all cases where both marriage partners had come to him for at least four sessions together (even if they had already filed for divorce), not a single couple ended up getting a divorce. Not only have these couples not divorced, but also in every case—once they got over the hurdle of deciding to make the best of their present marriage—they have made significant improvements in their marital and other interpersonal relationships. Facing personal hang-ups is not easy, but it is by far the most mature of the three alternatives.

"There are no unhappy marriages, only marriage partners who are immature," says Dr. David Mace, renowned marriage counselor. If partners could develop more mature attitudes, all areas of their relationship would improve. Indeed, the journey toward the compleat marriage is the journey from childishness to personal maturity.

Chapter 1--For Better or for Worse

Ruth Peale, wife of Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, tells of visiting a university classroom. During her lecture, a beautiful, sophisticated, but scornful young woman in the back of the room challenged, "Mrs. Peale, in your remarks you stated that you thought marriage was the greatest career for a woman. In my opinion, marriage is almost finished, and most of us here feel the same way. We don't think it is necessary or even desirable to link yourself sexually to one partner in your early twenties and limit yourself to that one person for the rest of your life. We think it's ridiculous!"

Every eye was riveted on the coed as she continued.' I am sleeping with a fellow that I like. I don't want to marry him, and I don't think he intends to marry me. This is not my first love affair and probably won't be my last. I can't see anything wrong with this. Someday when and if I choose to have a child, I may be forced by society to marry. But until that time I shall not be a part of it. If I ever do choose to marry and the relationship goes bad, I shall not be trapped in it. Mrs. Peale, we are hardly blind. We see what marriage has done to our parents and to others, and we don't like what we see. Do you have a ready answer?"

Each bright face in the room swung around toward Mrs. Peale, who took a deep breath and replied: "Yes, I have an answer, and I'm living it. I consider myself one pf the most fortunate women alive. I am totally married to a man in every sense of the word: physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. We're so close that you couldn't put a knife blade between us. We're not two lonely competing individuals. We are one, and nothing else in life can compare to it. But you'll never experience this. You'll never even come within shouting distance of it if you maintain your present attitudes and code of conduct."

..I don't see why not," the girl countered defensively, but with less conviction. "Why can't a man-woman relationship be just as meaningful outside of marriage as it is in it?"

"Because," Mrs. Peale responded, "it doesn't have the commitment. It doesn't have the permanence. It doesn't have the depth that comes from total sharing, year after year, working together, and knowing you are playing the game for keeps. Do you think we found happiness bb waving a magic wand? No! We fought for it and worked for it. To us marriage wasn't a trap—it is a privilege. And there's quite a difference."

As the class stared silently at Mrs. Peale she concluded: "This country is full of good marriages, but they have to be made to happen. It takes brains and determination, and the job is never finished. When you take the time and effort to make a marriage good, the rewards are just enormous."

The Compleat Marriage

Many couples fall in love, marry, and assume that the job is completed. They tend to feel that everything else will work out automatically. But hardly anything could be further from the truth. A successful marriage does not come spontaneously or by chance. Instead, a happy marriage-the compleat marriage—involves two people working out small difficulties as well as the big ones.

Plato used a ladder to illustrate growth in the marriage relationship. The two upright sides of the ladder stand for the husband and wife, and each rung represents something that draws and holds them together in inseparable companionship. The lowest rung is physical attraction, and the highest rung, pure love for God. Each rung of the ladder depends on the other rungs, and thus all become important in order to maintain the unity of the ladder of a compleat marriage.

Someone has defined marriage as "the total commitment of the total person for a total way of life." Such a definition assumes that a couple will work toward goals that they had in mind when they married.. To marry for convenience, to escape from a bad home situation, or to give a baby a name is not an adequate goal for a successful marriage.

"And they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24) tells, in words as old as the human race, the highest goal in marriage, for marriage is a union of love encompassing all areas of life: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.

Regarding the Author of the book "The Compleat Marriage".

Mrs. Pelt has been teaching a maariage enrichment course for women that she entitled the "Fulfilled Womanhood Seminar." According to her, the course made such exciting results that a flame ignited in her to produce her own commonsense guidebook for today's Christian wife.

But something was missing from her idea. The book market was sturated with materials fro women and scores of any other materials for women. She was doing a survey and investigation regarding broken relatioship and successful marriage life. She found out that the "responsibility for a successful marriage" depends of the women.

She asked "Was there nothing in print for men?" She found out that most materials she saw on the bookstores, in the mens sections, were all about "Money Management", "How to succeed in Business", etc. that were all projecting the idea on how to improve business and how to make someone billionaires But there was nothing for men to read regarding how to make success in marriage life. That time, Mrs. Pelt had an idea. She will write something about marriage that would be good reading material for men as well. That was the birth of the "The Compleat Marriage.

Start reading this material which will, I'm sure help you restore, if you have broken relationship, or make your relationship better after reading this material.

Brief Review on what inside each chapter.

Chapter 1--For Better or for Worse

Chapter 2--Love Your Mate

Chapter 3--Accept Your Mate

Chapter 4--Appreciate Your Mate

Chapter 5--Communicate With Your Mate

Chapter 6--Understand Your Mate

Chapter 7--Support You Mate

Chapter 8--Sexually Fulfill Your Mate

Chapter 9--Balance Living With Your Mate

Chapter 10--Have Fun With Your Mate

Chapter 11--Worship With Your Mate

What is the "The Compleat Marriage"?

The "The Compleat Marriage" is the book written by Nancy Van Pelt who is also the author of the following books:

The Compleat Courtship

How to Communicate With You Mate

How to Develop You Child's Charater

The Compleat Parent.

This book is reprinted in the Philippines by the Philippine Publishing House under the special arrangement with the Review and Herald Publishing Association.

Copyright © 1979 by Southern Publishing Association

Copyright © 1986 by Philippine Publishing House

The intention of the author of this blog is not to exploit the right of the author to use her work but to help spread the new about the Book and to help many couples that has problems with their relationship.

I hope you will find this blog interesting and meaningfull in you relationship. I hope that you will build good relationship with mates. You may also order a hard copy of this book from me by writing to the.compleat.marriage@gmail.com

To start reading about this book, go to the next post. Thank you.