Troubled Marriages Need Professional Help
Many Christian couples feel reluctant to seek counsel or even to admit that their marriage has reached the point of needing help, because they assume that marital problems are incompatible with a vital spiritual life. They feel that they have failed spiritually if they must admit to trouble within the home. But if a couple gets immediate help for a troubled marriage, they will avoid much unnecessary pain.
Sixty percent of those who encounter marital tensions turn first to the pastor for help, yet somehow they often hold back from baring their most intimate problems. They may fear that experiences shared in strictest confidence may leak to other church members or end up as illustrations in sermons. And far too often well-meaning but poorly trained pastors revert to cliches such as "pray about it."
Thus, on the one hand the churches must be more responsible to the needs of their members by recognizing the existence of family problems and by presenting continuing educational programs for all age groups. Church leaders need more awareness of the tensions arising within marriages and should educate themselves so that they can offer definite and intelligent help.
On the other hand those seeking answers must remember that most problems have no instant cures—that even the best clergyman or counselor can basically only offer support and compassion. In cases where a mate refuses to see a counselor or get help, the other partner should seek help alone. Surely the Lord smiles on those who search for new ways to improve family relationships, because the Christian life involves continual growth and improvement in all aspects.
Most couples need to develop more adequate interpersonal relationships and communication skills, but Christ's influence in the life is the important key to a compleat marriage. Without a Christ-centered relationship, a couple can find periods of contentment and morsels of happiness, but the union remains just human, and therefore, mediocre.
Our needs as human beings can never be fully realized until we are rightly related not only to ourselves and to our fellowmen but also to God.
Some people seem concerned about satisfying only the animal instincts of food, shelter, clothing, and sex, but becoming restless, bored, or despondent; they fail to function as God designed them to. Innate within each one of us is the need for a personal relationship with God. Spirituality is the missing ingredient in our age of permissiveness. As a couple commits themselves and their home to a higher power, they become bound together as partners in a stable, successful marriage relationship ship.
Many Christian couples feel reluctant to seek counsel or even to admit that their marriage has reached the point of needing help, because they assume that marital problems are incompatible with a vital spiritual life. They feel that they have failed spiritually if they must admit to trouble within the home. But if a couple gets immediate help for a troubled marriage, they will avoid much unnecessary pain.
Sixty percent of those who encounter marital tensions turn first to the pastor for help, yet somehow they often hold back from baring their most intimate problems. They may fear that experiences shared in strictest confidence may leak to other church members or end up as illustrations in sermons. And far too often well-meaning but poorly trained pastors revert to cliches such as "pray about it."
Thus, on the one hand the churches must be more responsible to the needs of their members by recognizing the existence of family problems and by presenting continuing educational programs for all age groups. Church leaders need more awareness of the tensions arising within marriages and should educate themselves so that they can offer definite and intelligent help.
On the other hand those seeking answers must remember that most problems have no instant cures—that even the best clergyman or counselor can basically only offer support and compassion. In cases where a mate refuses to see a counselor or get help, the other partner should seek help alone. Surely the Lord smiles on those who search for new ways to improve family relationships, because the Christian life involves continual growth and improvement in all aspects.
Most couples need to develop more adequate interpersonal relationships and communication skills, but Christ's influence in the life is the important key to a compleat marriage. Without a Christ-centered relationship, a couple can find periods of contentment and morsels of happiness, but the union remains just human, and therefore, mediocre.
Our needs as human beings can never be fully realized until we are rightly related not only to ourselves and to our fellowmen but also to God.
Some people seem concerned about satisfying only the animal instincts of food, shelter, clothing, and sex, but becoming restless, bored, or despondent; they fail to function as God designed them to. Innate within each one of us is the need for a personal relationship with God. Spirituality is the missing ingredient in our age of permissiveness. As a couple commits themselves and their home to a higher power, they become bound together as partners in a stable, successful marriage relationship ship.
A State of Torment
A Catholic archbishop visited a mining district one day to confirm a class about to join the church. During the service the archbishop asked a nervous little girl what matrimony was; "Oh," she said, "it is a state of terrible torment that those who enter are compelled to undergo for a 'tier in order to fit them for a better world."
The local priest interrupted the little girl: "No! No! You're think-of purgatory. "
"Let her alone," said the old archbishop, smiling. "What do you or I know about it?"
Whether marriage becomes a blessing or a torment depends on the r involved.
A twenty-nine-year-old woman sat across from me and told me that 'I could not drastically change her husband within the next few weeks, would have to divorce him. (I was supposed to accomplish this in spite of his refusal to accept counseling.) I listed for her the alternatives; which are the same for all unhappily married partners. Whether the problems are trivial or severe, each spouse has only three choices.
The first alternative is divorce—the great American cop-out. Many parties today determine that they have real provocation for divorce, and m. obtain one—deciding to be more careful the next time. Far too many counselors, even so-called "Christian" counselors, advise divorce. Too often, however, divorce is an escape mechanism and is thus most immature of the three choices.
A Catholic archbishop visited a mining district one day to confirm a class about to join the church. During the service the archbishop asked a nervous little girl what matrimony was; "Oh," she said, "it is a state of terrible torment that those who enter are compelled to undergo for a 'tier in order to fit them for a better world."
The local priest interrupted the little girl: "No! No! You're think-of purgatory. "
"Let her alone," said the old archbishop, smiling. "What do you or I know about it?"
Whether marriage becomes a blessing or a torment depends on the r involved.
A twenty-nine-year-old woman sat across from me and told me that 'I could not drastically change her husband within the next few weeks, would have to divorce him. (I was supposed to accomplish this in spite of his refusal to accept counseling.) I listed for her the alternatives; which are the same for all unhappily married partners. Whether the problems are trivial or severe, each spouse has only three choices.
The first alternative is divorce—the great American cop-out. Many parties today determine that they have real provocation for divorce, and m. obtain one—deciding to be more careful the next time. Far too many counselors, even so-called "Christian" counselors, advise divorce. Too often, however, divorce is an escape mechanism and is thus most immature of the three choices.
The second alternative is to endure a standoff relationship—tough it out, grin and bear it, wear a mask. All this goes on without working to improve the unfortunate situation. The world will never know how terrible things are at home unless one of the spouses squeals; so the two playact in front of others and silently endure a rotten relationship. Millions of married couples have chosen this alternative because it is easier than having to face certain personal deficiencies and then doing something about them—another immature decision.
The third alternative involves facing personal problems and making an intelligent choice to build a happy marriage out of the existing one. Even those with "incompatible personalities" can learn to work out personal deficiencies. The word incompatible is too frequently used by people who are too lazy to work out their own hang-ups, so they run away by divorcing and remarrying. Numerous studies have shown that when couples with neurotic marriage relationships divorce—no matter how good their intentions are—they nearly always remarry into the very same-type of neurotic relationship.
One psychiatrist in reporting his track record observed that in all cases where both marriage partners had come to him for at least four sessions together (even if they had already filed for divorce), not a single couple ended up getting a divorce. Not only have these couples not divorced, but also in every case—once they got over the hurdle of deciding to make the best of their present marriage—they have made significant improvements in their marital and other interpersonal relationships. Facing personal hang-ups is not easy, but it is by far the most mature of the three alternatives.
"There are no unhappy marriages, only marriage partners who are immature," says Dr. David Mace, renowned marriage counselor. If partners could develop more mature attitudes, all areas of their relationship would improve. Indeed, the journey toward the compleat marriage is the journey from childishness to personal maturity.
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